


It's impossible to read that guy

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [4]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 07:13:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13519167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: “Josten, why do you look like a muppet that was thrown into a dumpster during a rainstorm?”“It’s a new look I’m trying out,” said Neil. “I think I look sexy.” He exaggeratedly closed both his eyes in Wymack’s direction.“Did you just have a seizure?” Wymack asked.Andrew expelled a long-suffering sigh. “He’s trying to wink,” he explained.





	It's impossible to read that guy

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoy the comments you guys leave on these stories :)
> 
> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).

It was pouring rain on Tuesday morning as the detectives of the nine-nine made their way into work. Neil got off the elevator dripping wet, a puddle forming around him where he stood.

“Did you swim here?” Matt asked when he noticed him. “You look like Hugh Grant at the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral.”

“Yeah, I thought you had a car,” said Dan. “Did it stop working when a T. rex flipped it into the mud?”

“No,” said Neil in confusion. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. My car is fine. Granted, there was a little problem in that the sunroof decided to open itself about halfway here and I couldn’t get it to close again.”

“Your car’s the worst,” said Kevin. “I think it’s even older than you are. Now that you’re working here, I don’t understand why you don’t just scrap it and drive in with Andrew.”

Neil gave Kevin a look; Kevin grimaced apologetically. Matt and Dan shared a puzzled glance at the exchange, but were distracted by Nicky sweeping into the precinct.

“Neil!” he gushed. “You look like a sad puppy that got locked out in a thunderstorm. What happened to you?”

“I got wet,” said Neil dryly. “It’s not a big deal; I keep a spare set of clothing in my locker since my work clothes frequently end up covered in blood.”

“Your blood or the blood of perps?” asked Dan suspiciously.

“Whichever is less likely to make you angry,” said Neil.

“You’ll have to dry your mop of hair,” said Nicky. “I really wish you’d let me cut it.”

“The day I let you near my head with scissors is never,” said Neil. “Your attention span is less than that of an average goldfish.”

Nicky started snapping in Renee’s direction. “Quick, Renee, give me your hair dryer.”

“What?” asked Renee.

“Your emergency hair dryer,” said Nicky slowly. “The one you keep in your purse.”

“I don’t keep a hair dryer in my purse,” replied Renee.

“Don’t all women?” asked Nicky in surprise.

“Have you ever actually interacted with a human woman before?” asked Dan.

Allison arrived then, carrying an umbrella and looking immaculate, despite the rain.

“Hey, Allison,” said Nicky. “Do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?”

“Of course I do,” said Allison, pulling out a hot pink hair dryer. “I’m not an animal.” She looked Neil up and down. “Been crawling through a sewer pipe, Andy Dufresne?”

Neil looked at her blankly. "I'm Neil," he said slowly.

“Okay, everyone,” said Wymack coming out of his office. “I have a couple of announcements. First, we-” he cut himself off to stare at Neil. “Josten, why do you look like a muppet that was thrown into a dumpster during a rainstorm?”

“It’s a new look I’m trying out,” said Neil. “I think I look sexy.” He exaggeratedly closed both his eyes in Wymack’s direction.

“Did you just have a seizure?” Wymack asked.

Andrew expelled a long-suffering sigh. “He’s trying to wink,” he explained.

“Well don’t,” Wymack said. “Hemmick, take him down to the locker room and get him cleaned up.”

“I’m actually capable of drying off and putting on clean clothes by myself,” said Neil.

“Watch me beam with pride that you’re an adult who can dress himself appropriately,” said Wymack. “You’ve shown no signs of that before now. Hemmick, fix that.” He waved a hand to indicate Neil’s whole being.

“Best day ever!” said Nicky happily. "I finally get to get my hands on Neil!"

“Nicky,” said Andrew in a forbidding voice as Neil and Nicky headed to the elevators; Nicky turned to look. “Touch him without permission and I will cut your hands off.” Andrew returned to typing on his computer, seemingly oblivious to everyone else’s speculative glances.

“Andrew,” sighed Wymack.

“What?” asked Andrew. “Nicky sometimes has trouble with consent.”

“Come on!” Allison hissed to Matt. “That’s clear evidence!”

“Clear evidence that Andrew is a terrifying individual with a short fuse, maybe,” Matt whispered back. “You can’t win the bet with such flimsy reasoning.”

“Detectives Boyd and Reynolds, do you have anything to share with the rest of us?” Wymack asked.

“No, sir,” Matt said quickly. “We were just having a quick word while you were busy giving your patented disappointed paternal glare to Andrew.”

“They were gossiping about Andrew and Neil’s personal lives,” said Kevin.

“Did you just _tattle_ on us?” Allison asked incredulously. “Besides, the two of them are _clearly_ boning.”

“You must have been the worst fourth grader ever,” Dan told Kevin.

“Joke’s on you,” said Kevin. “I skipped fourth grade.” He paused. “My fifth grade classmates did _not_ like me, though.”

“Did any of your classmates ever like you?” asked Allison.

“Not that I can recall,” said Kevin. “They called me Kevin Gay. Kids are the worst.”

“And not even creative,” said Allison sadly. “If we’d been in school together I would have come up with a cruel nickname that was much more clever than that.”

“Your parents must not have given you enough attention,” replied Kevin.

“Please,” said Allison. “My mother cried the day I was born, because she knew she would never be better than me. She practically worshipped the ground I walked on.”

“Are you sure she wasn’t crying for more realistic reasons? For instance, that she was disappointed that her daughter was half-shrew, half-alligator?” asked Kevin.

The elevators opened and Nicky and a dry Neil came out.

“Finally,” grumbled Wymack. “Okay, first announcement. We are being visited by the deputy chief of the department this afternoon. He’s coming to have a chat with me about how we’re always among the precincts with the top arrest records each month.”

Nicky sent a quick glance to Andrew who appeared completely unaffected. “How are we managing that?” he asked.

“It’s a mystery,” said Wymack. “I don’t know how you bozos are doing it; as far as I can tell you spend all your time making fun of each other. I’ll make something up about team bonding and healthy inter-squad interactions. We’ll have to keep him from actually witnessing any of you speak to each other. Now, Kevin, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you there by my side to make a good impression. No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.”

“No offense taken, sir,” said Kevin. “People love their pets and I would be happy to be your pet.” His face contorted with horror. “I heard it as soon as I said it,” he said.

Allison cackled. “I’ve _got_ to start filming all your interactions with the Captain,” she said.

Wymack’s expression was pained. “Moving on,” he said. “I’m involved in a community outreach program; next week twelve sixth graders are going to be visiting the precinct to learn about police work. I would like all of you to prepare something to say to them.”

“Oh,” said Kevin, obviously unhappy. “Of course, Captain. What I said before about kids being the worst was a joke. Children are, in fact, our future. We’ll all be super good at talking to them and our presentations will all be filled with… goodness,” he said.

“Be more articulate when you’re speaking to the children,” advised Wymack.

“Yes, sir, I will make better mouth,” said Kevin. He sank into his chair in misery. Allison pulled out her phone and began to gleefully film him. Wymack shook his head and disappeared back into his office.

“What was that?” Neil asked Kevin. “I haven’t seen you panic like that since that one suspect started breastfeeding her baby in the interrogation room.”

“Like you were any better, Neil,” said Dan. “You asked me what the baby _was_ , like it was some species you’d never seen before. Also, I’m pretty sure that you were out in the parking lot before she even finished unbuttoning.”

“It was horrifying,” said Kevin, shuddering. “It was like her breast was winking at me.”

“Was it the first naked female breast you’d ever seen, Kevin?” asked Allison.

“Ha ha,” said Kevin. “I’ve been to an art gallery.”

“I meant in person,” said Allison.

“I _have_ had sex before.”

“Sounds fake, but okay,” said Allison dismissively.

“You’re fake!” replied Kevin.

“Wow,” said Matt. “What is happening? Kevin, you’re disintegrating in front of our eyes; it’s like watching a car crash.”

“I am terrible with kids,” said Kevin, desperately. “I haven't listened to rap music in three years. I don't know the lingo. Neil, you have to help me with this.”

“Yeah, Neil’s not better with kids,” said Dan. “Did you not hear me _just_ say that he saw a baby and his first question was, ‘What is that?’”

“Small humans baffle me,” said Neil. “They’re so stupid, how are they even alive? I saw one last week that was trying to eat its own hand.” He demonstrated.

“Kids are easy,” said Andrew, causing everyone to gape at him. “Come on, the kids that are coming are sixth graders, that means they’re what, twelve? Easy. Take them to the morgue.”

“The morgue?” Renee asked.

Andrew nodded. “I would have killed to have seen a bag of hands when I was twelve.”

“I… does the morgue have bags of hands?!” asked Dan. “Why?!”

“What do you mean ‘when you were twelve’?” Neil asked Andrew. “You’d kill to see a bag of hands now.”

“You’re right,” said Andrew. “Maybe I’ll go down to the morgue.”

“You’d have to talk to Aaron,” said Nicky.

“Oh, right,” said Andrew. “Never mind then.”

Nicky sighed. “If you don’t stop this feud that you’re having with Aaron, I’m going to call in the big guns.”

Andrew looked at him in horror. “You wouldn’t,” he said.

“I would,” said Nicky, threateningly.

“I will cut off your hands,” said Andrew.

“You already used that threat today,” said Nicky blithely. “You’re getting soft.”

“Am not,” replied Andrew. “It’s a good threat.”

“Wait,” said Dan. “Are _you_ the one putting hands in bags? How many handless people are walking around?”

“It’s not the worst thing you could do,” said Nicky. “While not having hands _would_ put a damper on my sex life, I could at least keep working.”

“How?” asked Kevin. “You wouldn’t be able to type anymore.”

“I don’t have to type at work,” said Nicky with confusion.

“You’re an administrative assistant,” said Kevin. “Most of your job involves typing.”

“Not the way I do it,” replied Nicky.

“What do you do all day?” asked Matt incredulously.

“Nothing,” said Nicky happily. “Why, do you want to hang out?” Matt just shook his head in disbelief. “No?” asked Nicky. “Does anyone? Allison?”

Allison looked up from her phone. “I wasn't listening,” she said, “but I strongly disagree with Kevin.”

“We were yelling at Nicky because he’s useless,” Dan filled her in.

Nicky just grinned. “That won’t help you,” he said. “When I’m being yelled at all I hear is people caring loudly at me.”

* * *

Wymack came out to the bullpen just before the deputy chief arrived to arrange them into the most impressive tableau. “Dan, I want you and Kevin over here with me. We’ll pretend to be discussing this file, but in reality be ready to greet him. Neil, you can continue working on your computer; Matt, please do some work instead of gazing adoringly at Neil. Andrew, Renee, you two go into the conference room and use the whiteboard to review the robbery you’re working on. Actually, Andrew stay at your desk; no one will believe you’re capable of having a pleasant discussion. Renee, take Matt instead. Allison, you can do anything that involves putting down that fashion magazine. Nicky, I want you to do nothing. I want you to sit quietly at your desk and say nothing. If prompted, you may say, ‘Yes, sir.’ Got it?”

“Sure thing, boss man,” said Nicky.

“You had one job,” muttered Wymack.

“Why are you so worried about this?” Dan asked.

“We’re doing really well as a precinct and that reflects well on me,” Wymack said. “The deputy chief is a personal friend of mine and if he sees you all in your natural habitat he will never let me live it down. Please, please don’t embarrass me in front of him. Allison, why haven’t you put down that magazine yet?”

“I don’t want to be overly dramatic,” drawled Allison, “but I really don’t care what happens.”

“You’ll care if it ends up with you fired or transferred,” said Wymack.

Allison sighed dramatically, but put away her magazine.

The deputy chief arrived right on time, interrupting Wymack’s fake conversation with Dan and Kevin.

“David!” he greeted.

“Phil,” Wymack said. “Welcome to the nine-nine.”

“You’ve been doing a marvellous job lately,” said Deputy Chief Higgins. “I want to talk about your methods.”

“Please step into my office,” said Wymack. “Kevin, Dan, we’ll continue this conversation later.”

“Sure thing, Captain,” said Dan professionally.

“Okay,” said Kevin. “Talk to you later, love you, bye.” Wymack ran a hand down his face while Higgins laughed. Kevin face-palmed as soon as Wymack closed the door to his office.

“Hey Kevin,” said Allison, holding up her phone. “I just captured the exact moment that you’d realized you’d failed.”

* * *

After work, Neil and Andrew were having an argument in the parking garage.

“You’re selling that heap of junk,” said Andrew. “I don’t trust it not to try to buck you off, like an angry bull.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my car,” said Neil. “Sure, it doesn’t go into first gear anymore, and the parking brake doesn’t work so I can’t park on an incline, and the back door has a hole rusted through it, and the rain today probably shorted out all the electronics inside, but it’s fine!”

“We both know your definition of ‘fine’ is skewed. We can just share the Maserati.”

“You are terrible at sharing,” said Neil. “Just look at our closet.”

“You don’t need more closet space,” said Andrew, with the weary resignation of someone repeating an old argument. “You have approximately one outfit. All your orange hoodies fit into the dresser.”

The door to the parking garage banged open and the two of them took a practiced step away from each other. It was Deputy Chief Higgins who brightened when he saw them and made his way over.

“Andrew, hello,” he said.

“Pig Higgins,” Andrew drawled. “I thought we agreed that you weren’t going to speak to me at work.”

“This isn’t work; this is after work and none of your co-workers are around,” argued Higgins. “Hello, Neil.”

“Hi, Phil, good to see you,” said Neil.

“We are still at my place of work,” Andrew said.

Higgins rolled his eyes. “We’re under it. You’re ridiculous,” he said. “Is he like this with you?” he asked Neil.

“Yes, sir,” replied Neil. “He always pretends to hate me in public.”

“He’s been pretending to hate me in public since he was thirteen,” said Higgins with a chuckle. “That’s how he shows his love. He would be indifferent to you in public if he didn’t care about you.”

“Stop talking about me as if I’m not here,” said Andrew.

“I thought I wasn’t allowed to acknowledge you?” said Higgins. “Despite how strange it is to pretend that I don’t know my own son, I’m just following your wishes.” Andrew glared. Higgins raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Your glare doesn’t have any effect on me,” he said. “I survived your teenage years.”

“Aw, tell me about tiny, angry, teenage Andrew,” cooed Neil.

“Someone sounds like he wants to sleep on the couch,” growled Andrew.

“Once,” said Higgins with an air of confidentiality, “he spent an entire fortnight communicating only through glares and slamming doors because his favourite television show had been cancelled. What was it called? Starscape?”

“Farscape,” muttered Andrew. “And I’m still upset about that.”

“You were mostly mad because you had a crush on the main character,” said Higgins.

“He had blue eyes and impressive biceps and often wore tight t-shirts and leather pants,” defended Andrew.

“How you thought that your mother and I didn’t know about your sexuality, I’ll never understand,” said Higgins fondly.

“Well, I was a teenager,” said Andrew. “Clearly I thought my parents were morons.”

“Clearly,” said Higgins with amusement. “Okay, boys, I’ve got to get going or I’m going to be late for dinner. I’ll give your love to Betsy. Oh, and Neil,” he said as an afterthought, “we’re both thrilled that you’ve agreed to come to her party this year. We finally get to show off our son-in-law.”

“I wouldn’t miss it, now that Andrew is letting me go,” said Neil and waved goodbye.

Once Higgins had gone, Andrew turned to Neil. “Look at you, being all well-adjusted around my parents,” he said.

“Hey, give me some credit,” said Neil. “It took years of practice before I stopped being awkward around them.”

“You’ll always be awkward around them,” Andrew said. “And you’re still scared of Bee.”

“Like you’re not,” said Neil. “I was there this morning when Nicky threatened to tell her about your feud with Aaron.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” grumbled Andrew. “Now, I’m hungry. Get in the car so we can go home.”

“Okay,” said Neil. “I’ll go with you in the Maserati.” He paused dramatically. “But only if you let me drive.”

“I hate you,” said Andrew, passing over the keys.

“I love you, too, dear,” said Neil sweetly.

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely used some Parks and Rec quotes in this one.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
